


Easier Said than Done

by Charlie9646



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Adultery, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Professors, Angst, Angst and Feels, Cheating, F/M, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Infidelity, Neville was the boy who lived, Post-War, Sadness, Smut, they are all pretty horrible
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 20:27:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29495787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Charlie9646/pseuds/Charlie9646
Summary: Lily Evans-Potter was many things wife, mother, friend, and a Hogwarts professor. She had everything she wanted, but she can’t help but wonder about the what if’s and the might have beens.Not everyone who cheats is a monster, but Lily sure feels like that.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Severus Snape/Lily Evans Potter, Severus Snape/Nymphadora Tonks
Comments: 7
Kudos: 14
Collections: Love Fest 2021





	Easier Said than Done

**Author's Note:**

  * For [meditationsinemergencies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/meditationsinemergencies/gifts).



> Thank you so much meditationsinemergencies for Betaing this (and your prompt). Along with your willingness to go with it and let me have free rein. I do enjoy torturing my characters, don’t I?
> 
> I apologize in advance to Snily, Jilly, and Snonks fans. There is cheating. They aren’t great people. I seem to write quite a bit about cheating, not that I have actually ever done it. I do because I have been cheated on. I also grew up with a family who cheating was just something people did, which is why I love getting in the head of characters who do so. I do so to understand them and their reasons. 
> 
> Before you go on about how horrible the woman (Lily) is? Remember Severus is just as guilty.
> 
> I apologize for such a long note.
> 
> #LF2021
> 
> #TeamVenus

"But I know from how you worry at your wedding band

That I'm just your little ampersand

The last conjunction after every other and

I was just your little ampersand"

  
  


Lily Evans-Potter knew she shouldn’t have given in to those silly little trappings—those desires, and dreams from a life that had been so long ago. The kind stories little girls tell themselves while they lay in their bed dreaming about fairytale weddings and happily ever afters. Part of her wondered why she had made the choices she had, not during the war or even the ones before it, those she would stand by those until her very last day. No, she found herself staring down at her gold wedding band, as it glistened in the sunlight that streamed through the window in her office. She twisted it around her finger, part of her wanted to take it off, to shove it away and then tell James how she truly felt. To tell him the horrible things that she had done and just how sorry she was. But Lily didn’t. Instead, she simply stopped trying to push aside her guilt. 

Lily Evans-Potter had cheated on her husband, James, her sweet, loving and devoted husband.

It had been him who pushed her to take this job, but he wasn’t the one to blame for this, for her to become a Charms Professor like she had always talked about becoming. Their son, Harry, had finally graduated, and now it was her chance to live her dreams. Minerva and Severus had been happy to hire her, the Headmistress and Deputy Headmaster. They were both pleased with her skill and abilities; how she was both firm and gentle with her students, but most of all that she was willing to pull her weight and do what needed to be done. Though there was another reason, Severus was so pleased to have her around. The two of them had been friends a lifetime ago, back when she had been younger than her son was now, but she had been the one to break off. To shut the door on it and call it quits. Time, however, lessened all things, even this. It had been twenty years since then, and she let him back into her life. 

When she looked back on it? It had been the right choice, and yet part of her had always wondered about the what-ifs. They hadn’t seen each other for years since she started teaching at Hogwarts. They both had married someone else. Her James and him Tonks— the Hufflepuff Auror who was everything Lily would never be. Part of her wanted to hate the younger woman, and she didn’t even know why. It wasn’t like the woman had ever done anything to her but just thinking of her made her clench her fists. The quill that Lily didn’t remember picking up snapped between her fingers. The red ink she had been using to grade papers staining her skin blood red.

Over Christmas break, James and Harry had travelled to India to learn about that side of their family, while Tonks had been on an Auror mission in Italy. Lily could see it now, every single horrible detail. It had been like she was watching someone else control her body, but no one had used an unforgivable curse. She had knowingly rocked up on her toes in the astronomy tower and kissed him. 

Maybe it had been curiosity, desire to know what could have been, or perhaps it was just a desire to be close to someone. She and James had been drifting apart for years. Slowly but surely it had been like a ship drifting out to sea. 

Severus was at fault too: he had kissed her back, but Lily knew she had made the first move. She had been the one who opened the door to whatever this was, whatever it might become. She should tell James about this. She should tell him she wanted a divorce, but she didn’t, and she wouldn’t. Her, James, and Harry were a family. Whatever this with Severus was? It would never be that. It could never be that. 

They were stolen moments from a life that could have been and yet never would be.

Without wanting to, she found her mind drifting back to that day. The way Severus’ hand snaked under her shirt. His skin hot against hers and all she had done was shiver. His body had been rigid against hers, as if he had been a tightened down spring waiting to explode. In her memory, they were now in her quarters. He pushed her down against the bed. Her hair spread against her pillows as she stared up at him as he undid his belt. 

She could see herself as she laid there, her green eyes wide. 

Was it in interest, worry, or desire? Or was it some convoluted mess of them all?

Severus was now on top of the Lily in her memory, his nails dug into her skin like branding irons searing her skin. Even now weeks after she could still feel it. James’ hands were rough from the chores and home improvements he did around the house, insisting on doing them the Muggle way. He claimed that magic never got it exactly right, but it more likely had to do with the fact he enjoyed the work itself. Severus’ were, however, smooth and soft. They were the hands of a potioner—the hands of someone who was not her husband. 

He was inside of her now, fucking her. He pressed her into the mattress; her legs were wrapped around his hips. His mouth was on her neck, and he was nipping at her skin, teasing her. Lily, in the memory, tangled her hand into Severus’ hair. She cried out of the feeling of him inside of her, the pushing and pulling of their bodies, coming together and pulling apart. 

“Lily,” someone said, someone softly grabbing onto her shoulder. “Are you sleeping, or have you gone somewhere else?”

She dug herself deeper into the memory; it was easier there, simpler. She did not want to face the reality of it. 

“You are scaring me, Lily. Are you bleeding? I think you're bleeding!” Minerva cried, shaking her, which dragged back to the present sharply. “I am going to get Poppy.”

“Minerva,” she murmured, opening her eyes as she did. “I am fine. Sorry that I scared you. It’s ink, not blood. I was just daydreaming, and I must have snapped my quill accidentally.” 

“It’s okay, but I think you should go wash up and maybe lay down before supper,” the older witch said. “But, Lily?”

“Yes?”

“I think you should wash your hands first. We don’t want to scare the students now do we?”

Lily stood up from her seat, trying to keep the ink from dripping onto her desk. Minerva was right. It did look like blood, the sight of it turning her stomach. She had never liked blood, but at least it was just ink. Before she fled her own office, she said softly, “No, we wouldn’t want that.”

She knew it was best to do that, but Lily felt like she was sleepwalking or her head had been stuffed with cotton. Every single thing seemed so far and distant to her. It was like someone had put her on autopilot. Each of her steps was measured and each movement precise but she was not fully there. Before she left the room, Lily turned and smiled softly at the Headmistress. “I am okay, Minnie,” she croaked. “You don’t have to worry about me.” But she couldn’t meet the woman’s warm brown eyes no matter how much she tried to.

Lily fled from her office like the devil himself was chasing her. She swung the door wide not bothering to shut it behind her. After a few steps, she slammed into Tonks. The woman’s hair was a strange shade of lavender at the moment, like flowers that used to grow wild near the river Severus and she used to play near as children. The thought settled in her stomach like a rock. 

“Hello, Lily,” she said, staring down her nose at her. Tonks towered over her, she was long-limbed and all angles. The other woman looked down at her like she was a bug beneath her shoe and wanted to stomp on her. “How have you been?” 

Her tone, however, made it clear that she didn’t care. So why was she asking? Lily thought. 

“Good,” Lily murmured. Adding louder after a moment, “I am doing good, how was Italy?”

“Great,” Tonks said sharply, though she frowned. “It’s beautiful and I hope to visit again but on vacation, not for work. You and James should visit it; I think you would love it.” 

“I…I think I would prefer visiting Germany, my mother was from there. James and Harry visited India over the holidays so I don’t think we will be doing any travelling anytime soon.”

“That’s such a shame,” the other witch mused, her blue eyes like ice. “Can I ask why you didn’t go with them?”

“Severus and I pulled the short straws and had to stay over the holidays,” Lily tucked her bangs behind her ears. “But I am sure he told you that?” 

“Can we stop beating around the bush, Potter?”The other woman’s tone changed abruptly and she crossed her arms over her chest. 

Lily felt like a rabbit caught in the jaws of a wolf. The hair on the back of her neck stood up. Tonks fiddled with her wand, pulling it out slowly. A dark thought crossed Lily’s mind, Tonks might be a Hufflepuff, but she was also a Black, that couldn’t be forgotten, Merlin, she looked like Sirius now, crisp blue eyes, sharp pointed features, and pale clear skin, but beyond that? She was an Auror, she was a witch and a powerful one at that, and lastly, she was the wife of Severus Tobias Snape. None of those details could be forgotten, not a single one of them. Nymphadora might not be a snake, but she knew them as well as anyone might. 

“I don’t know what you mean,” she sighed, not meeting the other woman’s eyes—knowing precisely what the other woman meant. 

“Stop playing dumb, Lily, it’s rather unbecoming of you,” Tonks snapped, taking a step towards her causing her to back away from the other woman. The stone wall sharply pressed against her back, she desperately wished she could melt into the stone floor, but even at Hogwarts, someone could not do that as long as they were still made of flesh and blood. 

She felt cornered; she felt trapped, a bead of sweat slipped down her forehead and cheek. Tonks wasn't evil, she wasn’t a monster, but then neither was Lily. They simply were two women who were placed on either side of this situation. It was as old as humans were, as old as magic. It must have been since someone could look at another person and say: I am with them and you are not. They are mine and I am theirs. 

Tonks knew Lily had slept with her husband and there was nothing to say about it but yet she tried, “It was only once.”

“Once is enough, Potter, and it shouldn’t have happened at all.”

“He’s just as guilty as I am!” Lily cried.

“Severus is,” she murmured. “And he and I will talk about it, but you are going to do me a favour and stay away from him, understood?”

“Yes.”

“We all made our choices,” Tonks said solemnly. “You married James Potter and had a child with him. You can divorce him if you want to, you can stay with him, or something in between, but my husband and I are going to try to work this out, understood? We are going to have a baby boy and this one will be named Edward Severus, understood? Yours is named Harry James Potter, ring any bells? Does it? Just like you I have an unborn child to think about, my son. You of all people know what that's like, don’t you?” 

“I do,” Lily said. “And I understand.” 

Severus came around the corner billowing robes smiling softly at both of them as he did. “Tonks and Lily, it’s nice to see you two catching up. Wait, Lily, why are your hands covered in ink?”

“I was grading papers and I accidentally broke my quill,” she said. “I should go wash my hands...It was nice to see you both.”

She took off not waiting for an answer from either of them. Lily turned around for half of a second looking at the two other people in the hallway. Severus and Tonks were both smiling at one another, giddy even, with their happiness and joy. Yet she could still feel Severus’ coal back eyes on her, staring at her. She was just his ampersand. She was just the thing he wanted but could not have. They were just a fading wish to one another that could never be.

Tonks was right: she needed to forget that it had happened, even if it hurt. Severus was married and so was she. Lily, for the first time in a long time, wanted to see James. It was an odd thing to think about how long it had been since she had seen her husband, or even how long it had been since she had wanted to. 

Lily made her way into her quarters and then flooed home. She landed on her knees in her sitting room before she could even truly process what was going on. 

“Lily?” James asked, “I didn’t expect you to be home anytime soon, shouldn’t you be at Hogwarts?” 

“Yes,” she laughed. It sounded strange even to her. “Yes and no, but I needed to see you...I needed to talk to you.”

“Are you bleeding?” He cried, grabbing onto her hands, flipping them over checking them for wounds. “Are you okay?”

“It’s ink, not blood.”

“Good, so what’s wrong?”

Lily truly looked at her husband: his hazel eyes that were looking down at her like she was the most important thing in the world, his warm brown skin that nearly glowed in the sunshine, and his wild mess of black hair. He was beautiful, lovely, and she didn’t deserve him, not one bloody bit.

“I did something horrible,” Lily said, wiping nose on the back of her hand. “And you're going to hate me.” 

James took hold of her shoulders and looked down at her. “I could never hate you, Lily, I have loved you since we were kids, you are the mother of my son, you are the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and nothing will ever change that. I swear it.”

“This will,” she murmured. 

“That is my choice to make, not yours, now tell me?”

“I cheated on you,” Lily cried out. The words were like a knife and she was the one doing the stabbing.”Over Christmas with Severus, so don’t tell me nothing will change it...” 

He swallowed sharply and said through gritted teeth, “I think you should sleep in the spare room tonight and then we can talk about it in the morning.”

“I love you, Jamie,” she said softly, reaching out for him. 

“I love you too, Lily, but I don’t like you right now. Now, go wash your hands.” James pulled away from her, fleeing as if she was some sort of leper.

Lily stood at her kitchen sink in the house she had made her life in, the home she had raised Harry, the one she decided to go back to Hogwarts at. The one that she had spent every Christmas, every birthday, and so many other important things had taken place here. She stared at her reflection in the kitchen window, she had done so many things in this home, and this was her family: James and Harry. She would do her very best to get back to that, but it might be easier said than done. Loving someone wasn’t a story that started with once upon a time and ended with and they lived happily ever after. No matter how much storybooks told you that was the case. She promised herself she was going to do her very best to pick up the pieces of her life from now on, even if it took the rest of it. 

Lily Evans-Potter had made sure her son survived the war and this was nothing in comparison to that. 


End file.
